


So Here's To Living Life Miserable

by acindra



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2017-06-25
Packaged: 2018-11-18 16:53:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11294790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acindra/pseuds/acindra
Summary: Jeremy has trouble balancing his time between his new friends and Michael





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This first chapter describes a panic attack so it has been separated from the rest of the fic for ease of skipping.

Michael was asleep on Jeremy’s hospital bed when he awoke again. He was snoring softly, his glasses askew and drooling a little on Jeremy’s blanket.

Jeremy blinked, still half asleep, as his heart thumped loudly in his chest. 

Emotions flooded him as he looked at his best friend; gratitude, fondness, affection… and a hint of a stranger feeling. Love?

This woke him up faster than anything else. This was new.

Well, the feeling wasn’t, but he had never been able to identify it before, not in regards to Michael.

It was different to what he felt for Christine; more textured and in-depth.

And it was stronger, hitting him all at once.

He wanted Michael.

Painfully.

His mind filled with thoughts of how he wanted to hold Michael’s hand, and kiss Michael’s lips, and have Michael all to himself.

It scared him. 

So much so that he felt he couldn’t breathe. He took short breaths in rapid succession, trying to push down the panic.

“Dude, are you ok?”

Jeremy jumped a little and looked to his side; Rich was still there, staring at him.

“Are you hyperventilating?”

“I- I don’t...” Jeremy struggled to find the words to express his internal turmoil. He ran a hand over his face but pulled it away when he realized it was shaking.

“Michael!” Rich said suddenly, loud and sharp.

Michael jolted upright, looking around frantically. “Wha- huh?” His eyes locked onto Jeremy.

“M-Mi- I-”

Michael went from groggy to alert in seconds. “Breathe with me.” He instructed, taking exaggerated slow and deep breaths.”

Jeremy nodded a little as he tried to copy Michael’s breathing. He tried to put all of his focus into breathing, not his traitorous thoughts. Suddenly, his face felt wet and he realized that he was crying.

“Jeremy.” Michael drew his attention back to him. “Can you count how many fingers I’m holding up?” he asked, putting up seven fingers.

“S-se-”

“Good. Ok. Remember, keep breathing with me.”

They sat there, breathing, for a couple minutes.

“Do you want some water?” Michael asked.

Jeremy shook his head, leaning forward and reaching out with a trembling hand to catch Michael’s as he got up. “St-stay.”

“Ok. Ok, I’ll stay.” He said, sitting back down.

Michael’s hand was a warm weight in his, and he stared down at them.

He felt dizzy and wobbled a little.

“Hey, you should sit back, ok?” Michael cautiously put his free hand on his shoulder and pushed him back against his pillows, trying to not crowd him in case he felt claustrophobic from his panic attack. “It’ll be ok. Remember, you’re right here with me in the present and nothing is physically attacking you.”

“The squips are all super dead.” Rich chipped in, finally speaking up.

“Yeah! Everything is ok.” Michael reassured him, squeezing his hand.

“I-I’m sorry.” Jeremy fought to get out.

“What are you apologizing for? You can’t help panic attacks.”

“For e-everything. I’m s-so s-sorry.” The tears came faster now.

“Everything is ok.” Michael told him, again. “Will you be ok if I hug you?”

Jeremy nodded. 

Michael withdrew his hand and moved out of his chair to wrap his arms around him, hugging him gently.

Jeremy trembled in his arms, tears falling from his face onto Michael’s shoulder. “I don’t deserve you.” he whispered.

Michael pulled back, eyes wide in surprise. “What did you say?”

Jeremy just shook his head.

Michael sat back down and picked up Jeremy’s hand again, lacing their fingers together. He turned to Rich. “Not a word about this to the others.”

Rich mimed zipping his mouth shut.


	2. Chapter 2

Michael traversed the school’s halls with a little skip in his step.

Jeremy’s squip was dead- he would no longer ignore him!

He rounded the corner.

Jeremy’s name died on his lips as he saw he was already surrounded by his new friends. 

Jeremy laughed at something Jenna said and shook his head, ruefully.

Too little, too late, Brooke noticed Michael staring at the end of the hall, crestfallen, and nudged Jeremy to get his attention.

Jeremy turned to see the back of Michael’s hoodie disappear around the corner. He frowned and made to follow, but Jenna caught his arm and continued the conversation they were having.

-

Just as lunch started, Jeremy made a concerted effort to get out of his classroom and get to Michael’s locker.

Michael looked surprised to find him there.

“Jeremy! Sup?”

“Hey, you want to sit together for lunch?” Jeremy asked, as Michael opened his locker.

“Yeah, man! They’re having pizza today.”

“Ah. I brought a salad. I’m not allowed to-” Jeremy stopped walking, suddenly.

“Jeremy?”

“I didn’t even- I’m allowed to eat pizza again!”

“Why weren’t you allowed to, before?” Michael asked, baffled.

“The squip wanted me to get in shape. He said it would help me be cool.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“I guess.”

They got into line when they reached the cafeteria. 

Michael watched as Jeremy grabbed a plethora of foods the squip had deemed ‘unhealthy’. “Slow down there, buddy, you’ll give yourself a stomachache if you eat all of that.”

“I just realized, though, Michael. I’m _starving_! Anyways I’m sure someone will eat whatever is leftover if I offer it up.”

“Someone?”

Jeremy shrugged.

After they paid for their food, Jeremy made a beeline to the table where the girls from the squipped squad were sitting. 

Michael trailed after him, hesitant and a little upset that he wouldn’t get any personal time with Jeremy.

Jeremy took a seat next to Christine, scooting over so there was room at the end of the table for Michael.

“Who are you?” Chloe asked, rudely.

Jeremy frowned at her. “This is Michael. He’s my best friend.”

“Hi Michael!” Brooke reached across Chloe to offer her hand.

Michael shook it awkwardly. “Hi Brooke.”

“You’re the one that brought the Mountain Dew Red to the play, right?” Jenna asked.

“Um. Yeah.”

“Thanks. You saved us all.”

“No problem.”

“You have a really nice singing voice.” Christine said, smiling.

“What?”

“I heard you at the Halloween party!”

Michael stood up, suddenly. “Sorry, Jeremy, I just remembered I have to do- uh- something.” He grabbed his plate of pizza and left the cafeteria.

“What the hell was that?”

“Oh. I think it’s my fault.” Christine looked very guilty. “I wasn’t sure but I think he was also crying at the party.”

Jeremy frowned some more, but didn’t go after him; he had no idea where he had gone.

-

“Jeremy!” Michael came up to him after their sixth period class.

“Hey, Michael. What was that thing you had to do at lunch?”

“Oh. Uh. That’s not important.” He brushed it off. “Do you want to hang out after school?”

“Sorry, I can’t. Christine is helping me catch up with schoolwork.”

“Oh.”

“You can come, too, if you want!” Jeremy suggested.

“And get in the way of your one on one time with Christine? Nah.”

“That’s not-”

“I’m going to head to class. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

And so he left as fast as he had come.

-

The week couple of weeks continued in much the same way. Jeremy had promised to go to Pinkberry with Brooke, or was going to exercise with Jake observing and giving pointers, or was going to visit Rich at the hospital, or had been blackmailed by Chloe into clothes shopping at the mall. Every time, Jeremy offered to let Michael tag along, but Michael didn’t want to intrude.

Michael put on a good show of being alright, but was starting to feel left out. He tried not to let it get to him.

He was lying on his bed, eyes closed, headphones firmly clasped over his ears, and music pouring into his head, when Jeremy walked into his room unannounced. He didn’t notice.

Jeremy sat down on the edge of the bed and Michael’s eyes shot open.

He sat up. “Oh. Hey Jeremy.” He tugged off his headphones and paused his music.

“Hi.”

“What are you doing here? Don’t you have things to do with your friends?” Michael asked, careful to not sound bitter.

Jeremy made a face. “Well, Jenna got into a fight with Madeline so I’m keeping an eye on that on my phone, but I’m here to hang with you.”

“Cool. What’d you want to do?”

“Actually, I wanted to ask you about the Halloween party. Christine said she heard you singing?”

Michael shrugged and tried to play it off. “I mean yeah. I guess.”

“She also said you might’ve been crying.”

Michael looked down. “Maybe.”

“Michael I’m so sorry.”

“You left me _alone_ , Jeremy. It was awful.”

“I know. And I know I probably can’t make up to you all of the terrible things I did. But I want to try.”

“You know. I thought things would go back to normal, after we destroyed the squips. But you’re still leaving me alone.”

Jeremy swallowed. “I didn’t mean to.”

“I know. You have other friends. It’s something I have to adjust to.”

“I… I also had to come to terms with the fact that I don’t want to be your best friend anymore.”

Michael looked up, startled and suddenly enraged. “Well, if that’s how you feel...” He frowned. “Get out.”

“Wait, no.” Jeremy backpedaled. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Then how did you mean it, huh? It sounds pretty fucking clear to me.”

“No, Michael, you’re not listening to me.”

“Why should I? You don’t even want to be my friend anymore? Then I don’t want anything to do with you or your stupid shiny new friends. Get the fuck out of my house.”

“Michael! I don’t want to be your best friend because I want to be your boyfriend.”

Michael deflated a little as he processed Jeremy’s words. “You really are a cruel person to be making fun of me like this.” He glared.

“I’m not! I’m not making fun of you- I mean it. Ever since the hospital- I realized I was in love with you.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Why do you think I had that panic attack?”

“Are you saying the _idea_ of being in love with me gave you a panic attack?”

“Yes. No. Wait. Yes, but not the way you’re trying to make it sound! I was panicking because it changed my world view. I suddenly understood a lot more about myself than I did before and it scared me to feel so much love for you all of a sudden.”

“Well I’m sorry loving me is such a burden for you.”

“I’m sorry. I screwed this up like I screw everything up. I upset you again and I just- I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to- Forget this conversation happened. Please? I’ll just- I’ll go.”

Jeremy got up but Michael caught his hand.

“Do- do you really mean it? You want to be my boyfriend?”

“Yeah.”

“Ok.”

“Ok?”

“I’m still mad at you, though. You should have started with ‘I want to date you’ instead of ‘I don’t want to be your best friend’, you idiot.”

“I realize that now.” Jeremy sat back down on the bed.

“What are your new friends going to think?”

“Fuck them, I don’t care.”

Michael eyed him. “Are you sure?”

“I’m sure I want to date you. And I mean I do care what the group thinks of me, but that’s not going to stop me from loving you.”

“Say that again.”

“I love you?”

“Again.”

“I love you, Michael.”

“Again.”

“I love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you like this fic, please check out the other 30 BMC fics I've written!
> 
> Feel free to hit me up on tumblr ([ acindra ](http://acindra.tumblr.com) )- I also made a crocheted doll of [ Michael! ](http://acindra.tumblr.com/post/161391774925)
> 
> [ Bonus George Salazar and Michael!Doll pic ](https://twitter.com/georgesalazar/status/880209460962185216)


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